Behind the humorist

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Now some people think ignorance has got to be funny. That's not
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true. Sometimes it's wolves and there's nobody in this
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creation who knows it any better than me. So with all of the music starts I
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want to say that the following story is perfectly true. Not very funny.
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And to do the modesty and seriousness of a man who
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everybody expects to be funny at all possible time.
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The one and only Mark Twain. I am
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Mark Twain and I feel the need of a cigar. Excuse me
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I have to find its own way.
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The Iowa School of the air presents Why is a right. Why is a writer is
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produced by Radio Station WSU why under a grant from the Educational Television and
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Radio Center in cooperation with the National Association of educational
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broadcasters.
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Today's program behind the humorous.
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To have the music die away. What I have to say well
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it's not easy for a jackass to say he's a jackass here
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and it's not easy to say.
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And of course only a fool would admit to being a jackass.
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I will not talk about myself very much except to tell a story which I promise to
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tell about myself. Which in this case happens to be about a jackass.
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It's not a funny story. I don't expect to laugh.
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I didn't because it cost me one hundred and ninety
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thousand dollars to tell a story in 1880.
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It was a lot of money.
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$2000 then with the Clintons and it is on investment. I will send you my check.
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I'm investing too you know night good night.
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2000 for what. Levy why didn't you come and help talk. Oh I
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thought not to meddle in business do you.
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That was her name for me. You nonce him the way I
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was born on my good name I took for writing. Just
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you. Because I was young. And when I was
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young and some ppl want to do thousand was scheme I gave it to him.
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You see my I had it my I was always interested in some fool invention.
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Well what do you think Mr. Clemens. It's more than I expected to find a
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machine that does the work of foreman printer but it's not perfect perfect.
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What do you want. It's a purse time I've put my money in something that works.
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Mr. PAGE I congratulate you all know it works but that's not the way I want it to work.
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It will make us rich. I'll print my books and then you are interesting and you've
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got my track and I can't tell you how much. Well it didn't take so
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much. Not at heart. You're a genius Mr. Page. Any printer in
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the country will tell you the same thing. When does it go in the market.
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And mind you I was not green behind the years this was a
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machine paid you was a genius. I was lucky
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to become a millionaire. Every newspaper in the country would want one
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at least one.
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At least one. So I put in three thousand more. Is this man
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honest believe me. He's us all spoken clear eyed gentleman.
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The machine's perfect now does sound unusual. Oh it's nothing more
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than we deserve I suppose. I figure I'm a you in this you know you
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don't try your eggs before they're laid Levy are you expressing
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doubt in my judgment you. I do like your writing but you never have been
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much for business.
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Mr. PAGE I would be a blow if you would come to dinner. I accept Mr. Klein.
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Was quite woozy and showed my books were selling America
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like to me as well as I ever lived myself. And my one
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ambition which was not to be such a jackass so often was
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strangely enough coming through my mind was clear and what a
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man's mind is clear. If he has a slightest talent he ought to be able to be
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fully once every so often. And knowing this is my plan to be funny in the
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evenings when I was paid to look after him before
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I was whether or.
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Not you paid. I must admit to you that I never thought of that inventor.
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Well I understand Mrs. Clemens It surprises me sometimes but when I work with those
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parts they come alive. Do you realize how perfect a machine can be. I'm afraid
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Levy doesn't think about any machine but me. Now you really perfect peace for
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peace. You know what's possible and I'm sure it is. We will corner the market.
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Well there's time for that after we perfect it. But I thought it worked no
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less works but is it perfected. There is a difference. I hadn't thought about
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it but I suppose.
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There was a difference. Money. Lots of money.
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Pretty soon I was invited to ship with Paige. His machine and
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my money on clothes. I thought that was all right.
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Money wasn't to his guys. Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn was selling
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pretty good. No it meant scrimping a little on some things maybe couldn't
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entertain the way she wanted to but Jones does soon as that machine was put on the
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market. We were going to be rich anyway. Very
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rich.
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What you said I just happened
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here. What are you doing in Boston. No I was just passing through until I saw the
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billboard with your name. So I thought I'd treat myself to a good laugh. Laugh.
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Why. Every word of that was true. Well uncle then I'll have to admit it was the
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funniest evening of truth I ever did see. Only it wasn't long enough and couldn't have been any
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longer what the audience liked it. They rolled in the aisles. Come on back to the
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dressing room Sam.
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Oh and they write it all right in
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here.
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If there's one thing learned in this hall it's when to stop talking. They would have
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laughed all night and they would have laughed until exactly ten minutes of
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nine and I say exactly because at 9 o'clock the last train leaves with the
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suburbs no matter who is speaking. However the people would get up at ten minutes of nine
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to catch that train. I've seen it happen to some speak you
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hadn't been told about it and he thought they didn't like him. It's not
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funny it strikes terror in my heart I think of it. Well what happened to him after that.
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I think he starved to death. Well why don't we go out to supper. Well that songs
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by. Sure just as soon as I get this grease collar button through
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the places post here.
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Yeah and how's that living in their buttonholes
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invisible. She's all right. My kids are fine too.
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And Sam mellow still a second. Oh my I thought you'd be in Elmira.
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Oh it's too big for the buttonhole pose yet.
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Never mind who had it go Sam. I can hold it together with a tie.
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Yes I would have. Only I need
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money. Did the writing business give out my boy. I'm afraid you do not
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understand. You see I have the privilege of Anansi know what will undoubtedly
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be the biggest machine success of this century. No no no I'm
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not joking.
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Well what kind of machine typesetting machine
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does the job for men. It works like a dream and as soon as it's
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perfected. Well just wait until it's perfected.
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Five years he was in the machine isn't done.
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Do you think it ever will be.
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Mr Page told me your partner Mr. Quinn and I represent the Morgan dollar
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typesetting machine which is not as good as ours.
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Thank you for coming but page already mentioned your off your stock or
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have cars.
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Now I don't think that's a very good bet.
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Yeah I remember that mag mainly I
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suppose because Paige and I decided not to accept that offer.
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We had our own machine and it would be perfect. At which
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time we'd corner the market and just a little more time little
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money. Only money was a little scarce but
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my family understood Susie and because we'd
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agreed we'd stand a little to see that
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that machine finished and I'd been feeding it money for eight
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years.
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Went up to 6000 EMS an hour and not any mistakes. That's great Jane.
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So then it's ready. Well I suppose it works alright but but it
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really ought to be precision precision much how much precision Well that's hard to say
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for Leon how much money. Oh not.
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Mom why I thought if we could have Pratt and Whitney build a new model for us that those
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years over all those braids we've been oiling that machine with all of
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everything I've written in the last three years has gone into paying for that
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Frankenstein we all agree that's right we could put it on the market now but
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what would that mean.
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Just another machine.
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Oh maybe better than American dollars but not better not perfect.
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Yet in 90 short doesn't sound so wrong.
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Or maybe we put off being millionaires as
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long to put together.
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I suppose it's been proved that there is no food.
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Like a fool who's trying to get rich. We had our ups and downs
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page in a kids in maybe but we always believe we'd win in the
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end. I guess we didn't know how smart that machine was.
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It's done Mark and The Herald has agreed to test it out if they like it we're in.
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Why me when you get there and find out what they think about it.
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And there it is my hundred and ninety thousand dollars story.
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It did not in happening. The machine was so prolific that it refused to
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run for the slightest reason. And we discovered that it took a genius to fix it.
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The bourbon which was now perfect made our million.
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I don't know what the model is but I'm sure this isn't.
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Half funny story.
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Heard in today's program or Don McCaffrey Rose Stribling and Don call
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this sound is where our studio
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engineers. Why is a writer is written by Floyd Horowitz and directed by.
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This is Dick speaking. This has been another program in the series why is a
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writer produced by school of the air under a grant from the
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Educational Television and Radio Center and distributed by the National Association of educational
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broadcasters.
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This is the Radio Network.