Mark Twain and the Mississippi

This land this heritage this people a series of radio

programs tracing in word and music the footprints of America the turns we

took in the tales we spread the narratives letters diaries and songs have

been adapted from primary source materials by Professor Robert e-card director of the

Wisconsin idea theater programs were produced at W A.J. at the University of

Wisconsin for national educational radio under a grant from the National

Library Foundation.

Today's program Mark Twain and the Mississippi.

The Mississippi is not a common place but it is in

all ways remarkable. It is the longest river in the

world. Four thousand three hundred miles

is also the crookedness river in the world.

Since in one part of its journey it uses up a thousand three hundred miles

to cover the same ground the crowed fly over in 675

north of the river has so vast a dream basin it draws its water supply

from 28 states and territories. The Mississippi receives and carries to the

Gulf water from 54 subordinate rivers that are navigable by steam

boats and from hundreds that are navigable by flats and

Chios. The difference in Rise and Fall is also

remarkable. The Mississippi

is always changing its habitat bodily is always moving

bodily. Why nearly the whole of that thousand three

hundred miles of Mississippi River which floated down in his canoe a

hundred years ago good solid dry ground today.

The river lies to the right of it in places and to the left

of it.

In other places.

DeSoto merely glimpsed a river then

and was buried in it by his priest two soldiers.

Their narratives when they reached home did not excite curiosity.

The Mississippi was left on visited by whites during a term of years which seems

incredible in our energetic days after Desoto glimpsed the river a

fraction short of a quarter of a century elapsed and

then Shakespeare was born lived a trifle more than half a

century died and when he had been in his grave

considerably more than half a century the second white

man saw the Mississippi.

When Desoto found it he was not hunting for river and had no

present occasion for one. Consequently he did not value it or even

take any particular notice of it. But

at last the Frenchmen conceived the

idea of seeking out that river and exploring

it.

Should I sow scent canoes to inspect the Channel Islands some of them went to the channel on the

right hand and some to the left. I misread what I saod tells the Saturn

in the evening. Each made his report. That is to say that the channels were very fine

wide and deep. On the right bank we erected the

arms of the inspector general the same report

was made. The banks are almost uninhabitable on account of the spring floods.

The woods are all those of a district

of trees torn up by the roots from the river.

The world that we get

when the savages gather the Indian corn twice in the year

as the savages or they might be obliged to make

necessaries for themselves. Bring them from the eggs of

the forests. This would be a valuable trade.

As for the country of Illinois it may be said to contain some of the finest lands ever seen.

Climate is the same as that of. The savages there are active and

brave extremely lazy except in war when they think nothing of sneaking around a

maze at a distance of 500 or 600 leads from their own country.

Not a year passes in which they do not take a number of prisoners and scalps.

Polygamy prevails in this nation and is one of the great hindrances to the introduction of

Christianity as well as the fact of their having no form of worship of their own.

The nations lower down would be more easily converted because they adore the sun which is

their divinity.

0 0 0 0 0 explorers travelled with an outfit a pre

Desoto I had 24 with them. Salad several Also

expeditions are often out of meat skandha clothes but they always had the

furniture and other requisites for the mass. They were

all always prepared as one of the quaint Chronicles of the time phrased it to

explain to the selvage.

Well seventy years elapsed after the exploration before the river's Borders had a white

population worth considering and nearly 50 more before the river

had a commerce.

The rivers earliest commerce was in great barges keelboat

a voyage down and back sometimes occupied nine months

in time as commerce increased until it gave employment to hordes

of rough and hearty man rude I'm

educated brave suffering terrific hardships

with sailor like stoicism heavy drinkers

coarse frolic heavy fighters

reckless fellows everyone. Jolly

follow me. Prodigal of their money

bankrupt at the end of the trip. The barbaric

finery. Prodigious braggart. Yet in

the mean honest trustworthy faithful to promises and

duties and often picturesquely magnanimous.

Sharks are hard times. Oh

dense development is on my

heart.

Your deficiencies are just going to

just be.

When an apprentice has become pretty thoroughly acquainted with the river

he goes clattering along so fearlessly with his steamboat night or day

that he presently begins to imagine that it is his courage that

enemy. But the first time the pilot steps out and leaves him to

his own devices he finds out it was the other man's.

The whole river is bristling with exit seas in a moment. He's not

prepared for it. He doesn't know how to meet him. All his knowledge seeks

him and within fifteen minutes he is as white as a sheet and

scared almost to the day. Therefore pilots wisely

train these cabs by various strategic tricks to look

danger in the face of a little company. Mr.

Bixby served me in this fashion once and for years afterwards I

used to blush even in my sleep when I thought of it. I had

become a good steersman. So good indeed that I had all the work to do

on our watch night and day.

All Mr. Bixby ever did was to take the wheel on particularly bad nights or in

particularly bad crossings and land the boat which needed to be landed

at the lower river was about bank full and if anybody had

questioned my ability to run any crossing between kero and New Orleans I should have

felt really hurt. The idea of being afraid of any crossing in the

lot in the daytime was a thing to propose for contemplation.

Well one matchless summer's day I was bowling down the bend above Island

66 brim full of self-conceit carrying my nose as high as a

giraffe's when Mr. Bixby said.

I am going below while I suppose you know the next crossing.

This was almost an affront. It was about the plainest and simplest crossing

in the whole river. One couldn't come to any harm with a re read it right or not in it for

depth never had been any bottom there. I knew all this perfectly well

so I said know how to run it why I can run it with my eyes shut.

How much water is there in it. Well that is an odd

question. I couldn't get bottom there with a church steeple.

You think so do you.

We held the very tone of the question shook my confidence Mr. Bixby

left out saying anything more and I began to imagine

all sorts of things. Mr. Bixby unknown to me of course I am somebody

down the fo'c's'le with the mysterious instructions to THE LEAD summon

another messenger was sent to whisper among the officers and them.

Mr. Bixby went into hiding behind a smoke stack where he could observe results

and presently the captain stepped out on the hurricane deck and next the chief mate

appeared and then a clerk. Every moment or two a a straggler

was added to my audience and before I got to the head of the island I had fifteen or twenty people

assembled down there under my nose. I began to wonder what the trouble

was.

As I started across and the captain glanced aloft at me

and said with a sham uneasiness in his voice.

Where is Mr. Bixby. Gone below sir. Well

that did the business for me. My imagination began to construct

dangers out of nothing and all at once I imagined I saw shore water ahead.

The wave of cowardly agony that surged through me then gave near dislocating every joint in

me all my confidence in that crossing vanished. I seized the

bell rope. Drop it a shame.

See he did again dropped it once more he clutched it

tremblingly once again and pulled it so feebly that I could hardly

hear the stroke myself. Captain and mate sang out instantly

and both together. Starboard lead there and quick about it.

This was another shock. I began to climb the wheel like a squirrel

but I would hardly get the boat started to port before I would see new dangers

on that side and away I would spin to the other only to find perils

accumulating to starboard and be crazy to get to port again. And

then came the lead's men so Paul girl cry d o r

d fog you know a bottomless crossing. The

terror of it took my breath away.

Ma three ma three

quarter Let us three after twenty.

This was frightful. I seized the bell ropes and stopped the engines.

Quarter to a quarter of a toy.

Mark Twain. I was helpless. I did not

know what in the world to do. I was quaking from head to foot and I could have hung my

hat on my eye as they stuck out so far. Quarter Lotus

20 and I half. We were

drawing game. My hands were in a nervous flutter. I could

not ring a bell intelligibly with them. I flew out of the speaking tube and

shouted to the engineer who bear me if you love me back.

Oh back the immortal song was over.

I heard the door close gently. I

looked around and there stood Mr. Bixby

smiling up and sweet smile.

And then they audience on her game decks and up a thunder gust a

humiliating laughter.

I saw it all Noah and I filled meaner than the meanest man in

human history.

I laid in the lead set the boat in her marks came ahead on the

engine and I said it was a fine trick to play on an orphan wasn't it.

I suppose I'll never hear the last of how I was Asimov to heave the lead at the head

of 66. Well no you won't maybe. In

fact I hope you won't. But I want you to learn something by that

experience. Didn't you know there was no bottom in that crossing.

Yessir I did. Very well then you shouldn't have allowed me or

anybody else to shake your confidence in that knowledge.

Try to remember that. And another thing when you get into a dangerous

place don't turn collar. It isn't going to help

matters any.

It does a good enough lesson but pretty hardly learned

yet about the hardest part of it was that for months I so often had to hear a

phrase which I had conceived a particular distaste for her.

It was oh so bear. If you love me back.

There's a man pacing the cab in a solemn doleful manner with a smoothly

woven pigeon tail coat with two large brass buttons on the back and

a white necktie. Now all of a sudden he stops at the ladies cabin and introduces

himself as the reverend and begins to expound the beauty of the Christian

religion. How much it had done to civilized man and above all the great danger

all the sinners on the boat were in in case of a wreck to lose their souls. The Reverend

soon has a crowd and as a matter of course the ladies give strict attention.

After the reverend is scared all the women into fits. The danger of losing their souls in case the

boat would strike a snag and some of the men thoughtfully scratching their heads. He

proposes a prayer and he goes on his knees the women all kneel

and some men follow suit. Most men however skip out of the way. But a

German skeptic is not backward in expressing his private opinion publicly.

It's one big reach country but meet the religion it is nothing but

one big compound that is all the time right now.

After the prayer song naturally follows. To end up the

religious services on a steamboat.

So far as I know gambling was permitted on our boat so hard

some. There was a cautionary sign stating that gentleman who played

cards for money did so at their own risk. The professionals who traveled the

river for the purpose of skinning suckers were usually the gentleman who

displayed the greatest concern and who freely expressed themselves in the hearing of

all to the effect that they seldom played cards that are still less for money.

But if they did feel inclined to have a little social game it was not the business of the

boat to question their right to do so. And if they lost their money they certainly would

not call on the boat to restore it after the expression of such

Mandalay sentiments. It was surprising if they did not soon find others who

shared with them this independence they bought a pack of cards

at the bar and set in to a friendly game. In the

posting of this in conspicuous little placard the boat no doubt absolved

itself from all responsibility in what might and surely did follow in the friendly

game sooner or later started in the forward cabin. Whether the

placard likewise absolve the officers of the boat from all responsibility in the matter is a

question for the logicians. I cannot recollect that I had a

conscience in those days and if a stock I chose to invest his money in draw

poker rather than name calling or lots it was not of my business.

One passenger who was going down the Mississippi River for the first time in his life

secured permission to climb up beside the pilot. A grim old

Greyback never told a lie in his life.

Many alligators in the river. Inquired the stranger after a look

around.

Not so many since they got to shooting them for their hides and

Talor was the reply.

Used to be last sat. I don't want to tell you about a

stranger replied the pilot sighing heavily. Why

go I was you'd think I was lying to you and that somethin I never do.

I can cheat at cards drink whiskey or draw a porter breaker but

I can't lie. Oh then there used to be lots of them.

I'm most afraid to tell you mister but I've counted

eleven hundred alligators to the mile from Vicksburg clear down to

Orleans and that was years ago before a shot was ever fired out of.

Well I don't doubt it and I've counted three thousand four

hundred fifty nine I'm on one sandbar. It looks big to

tell but a government surveyor was aboard and he checked them off as I called out.

I haven't the least doubt of it.

I'm glad of that stranger. Some fellas would think I was a liar when I am telling the

solemn truth.

This used to be a paradise for alligators and they were so slick that the wheels of the

boat killed an average of forty nine of them are down.

Is that so. Drew is a gospel minister. I used almost feel

sorry for the brutes as they cry out almost like a

human being and we killed lots of them as I said and we heard a pile

more.

I sailed with one captain who was carrying a thousand bottles

illumine to throw over to the wounded ones.

He did Drew as you Livvy did. I don't spect I'll ever see another

such a Christian man. And the alligators got to know the Nancy Jane

and the captain and they'd swim and rub their tails

against the boat and purr like cats.

Look up and try to smile.

They would solemn truth stranger.

And once when we grounded on a bar with the opposition boat right

behind the alligators gathered around got into the stern and humped Rick

leaned over the bar by a grand push.

It looks like a big story but I never told it yet

and I wouldn't pay for all the money you could put aboard this boat.

There was a painful pause and after a while the pilot continued

our engine was given out once in a crowd of alligators took a toll

line and hauled us 45 miles upstream to Vicksburg.

They did and when the news got along the river to Captain Tom was

dead. Every alligator in the river daubed his left ear with black

mud as a badger morning and lots of em pined away and

die.

The passenger left the pilot house with the remark that he didn't the

statement but the man gave the. And replied

there's one thing

myself Mother

I'm going to stick to the truth.

Comes. Out

comes down.

To

comes down just

comes down.

I went to work to learn the shape of the river and of all the eluding

and ungraspable objects that ever I tried to get my hands on. That

was the chief. I would fasten my eyes upon a shop wooded

point that projected far into the river some miles ahead of me and

go to laboriously photographing its shape in my brain. And just as I was

beginning to succeed to my satisfaction we would draw up toward it and the

exasperating thing would begin to melt away and fold back

into the bank. No Prominent Hill would stick to

its shape long enough for me to make up my mind what its form really was.

But it was as dissolving and changeful as if it had been a mountain of

butter you know hottest corner of the tropics nothing ever

had the same shape when I was coming down the street that it

had when I went up. It was plain that I had got to

learn the shape of the river in all the different ways that could be thought

of upside down wrong end first inside out foreign

to aft and thought ships and then

know what to do on gray nights when it hadn't any

shape at all.

I served under many pilots and had experience of many kinds of

Steamboat and many varieties of steel. I am to this

day profiting somewhat by that experience.

For in that brief sharp schooling I got personally and familiarly

acquainted with about all the different types of human nature

there had to be found in fiction biography or history.

I don't mean that it has constituted me a judge of men. No it has not done that

for judges of men are born not made. What

I value most is the best

which stand early experiences given to my later reading. When I find

a will drawn character in fiction autobiography I generally take

a warm personal interest in me for the reason that I have known

him before I met him on the river.

This land this heritage this people a series of radio

programs tracing in word and music the footprints of America the turns we

took the tales we spread the narratives letters diaries and songs have been

adapted from primary source materials by Professor Robert de garde director of

the Wisconsin theater programs were produced a WHCA at the University

of Wisconsin for national educational radio under a grant from the National

Library Foundation.

Today's program Mark Twain and the Mississippi music was

performed by can't test for Linda clowder and vaguely production by

Ralph Johnson again almost speaking this is the national educational radio network.